Apr
16
2009
It has been four years now since the diagnosis and the decline has been gradual until this year. Now, each day is a decline further into the fog of mental escape to protect himself from the fear of death. As much as he wants to die, his fear of death prevents him from transcending peacefully. As much as he wants to live, his fear of life as he is declining keeps him in a place of confusion to keep him from the reality of his death. He has decided to give up and is working hard on leaving this earthly plane. Each day he is becoming weaker and then suddenly he forgets that he wants to die and gets up and walks without his walker. He, then, will get stuck and freeze with fear of falling. He will freeze in position and not be able to move for fifteen or twenty minutes. It takes coaxing, counting, touching his leg and allowing him to stand by himself and starting all over again until he can move or I get him in the wheelchair.
He has forgotten my name at times and wonders what I am doing wearing his wife’s clothes. He frequently forgets where we live and wakes up thinking we live in a duplicate house in another town. We have a picture of a bird on our bedroom wall and when he wakes up confused I point to the bird and he can remember our address and that he is at home. Night time is the worst. He can’t remember that it is nighttime and he thinks it is day time and time to get up. Some nights I’m ask every ten minutes what time it is and if it is day time or night time.
Each day is a challenge. Confusion reigns the day in the afternoons. He thinks we are being watched via a two-way mirror in the TV at times. He cannot tell the difference between a TV program and a commercial most of the time. Clint Eastwood westerns and Quigley Down Under do not confuse him and he can understand the story line. So we usually watch them over and over again everyday.
Each month usually brings an episode of pneumonia preceeded by congestive heart failure. He gets weaker with each episode. I pray that he dies before he goes into full blown Alzhiemers. He not only has Alzhiemer’s, Parkinsons, Congestive Heart Failure, Prostate cancer, an abdominal aortic aneurysm, arthritis, GERD, and an inoperable torn rotator cuff so that he has very limited movement of his right arm. He is in pain all day every day. His quality of life is his fantasy land in his head and it is filled with fear and confusion. I pray he will transition to a higher plane while he still knows who I am and that he loves me.
I will keep him home with the help of Hospice aides, nurses, volunteers and the VA provided caregiver assistant. He would not last a month in a nursing home. It is time for the Universe to take it’s course and I will keep him safe at home until he decides to cross over. We are and have been forever connected by our love.
Apr
12
2009
We each are on a journey through this life. A journey to learn life lessons to make us more whole as a Spirit Soul an life lessons to follow in the footsteps of Jesus to learn unconditional love and forgiveness so that we can become one with God (one with the Universe). Unconditional love and forgiveness are the most important lessons to learn for all persons we meet an in all situations, for these lessons leaned move us forward on the time, space continuum and our combining with the All for eternity.
Today is a very special time in you journey. Your vibration level is evolving higher as your soul reaches for the Heavens. What a wonderful gift to know that soon life’s journey will be complete and one’s Soul will be released from this frail body we have called home while traveling on this earthly plane. We will be leaving behind sickness, pain, worry doubt, suffering and most of all fear.
Rejoice, Rejoice, and Celebrate, life’s journey
is complete.
Life lessons learned, we lie in peace,
our souls rejoicing.
skye2008
As you progress to a more balanced state for your soul on your journey to heaven, you will progress though several stages of soul healing. According to the prominent researcher on death, Dr. Keubler-Ross states that these stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The person who is dying will pass through these stages and will fluctuate back and forth between them as will family members and anyone close to the one who is dying as fear and doubt take over.
Denial is the first stage and is a temporary defense that gives you time to prepare yourself for what is to come. The next stage is anger. You are angry at the loss of your identity, your freedom, you body, mind and your spirit. Whether the dying process is a gradual onset or a sudden onset, the process is the same. At first you can’t believe this is happening and then anger sets in as you become weaker, unable to do what you want to do when you want to do it because your body or mind will not cooperate. Your spirit is willing at first but gets no support from your body or mind. You feel like you are spinning your wheels. Your whole life is disorganized and no matter how how you try you cannot get back to where you were before you became ill. You may have had to face body parts being removed and this has caused your fear to increase. There is no corner of your life that has not been affected. Your life has been interrupted and there is no end in sight.
How do you find the hope of you, when all knowledge
of self is gone?
Who is this person that inhabits my body?
It has no energy to care for self or family.
It has no ability to organize the day.
There are no plans that can be made because you
cannot follow through.
Who is this person within me, ravaged by extreme pain?
The medications hiding self behind a wall of haze.
skye08
The third stage is bargaining with God whether you believe in God or Not. You will beg for your life and in return you will lead a better life. You will vow to love more, give more or whatever you can sacrifice if only God will immediately heal you and take this affliction away. As you cry out to God in the dark of night and realize that immediate healing is not to be, the forth stage depression will set in. Depression over loss and depression over guilt of not having enough faith to be healed immediately and depression over no being worthy enough to be healed and depression over your perceived abandonment of God and depression over the harsh invasion of your body by disease, surgery, medications. It is at this point that you become entangled in a vicious cycle of anger because of the depression and bargaining unanswered, depression, anger, and so it will go.
The storm cloud gathers and lies heavy on my soul,
Blocking all my cries of help to the Heavens above.
There is no light from Heaven to led me on my way.
Why do I have to stay in this hell of earth?
For no one cares or wants to care.
It really doesn’t matter anymore.
skye09
You feel like you are in a helpless descent and you are helpless to stop the descent. You would love to climb out of the pit but just stopping the fall would be enough. You are not only depressed; you are spiritually depressed(Women’s Study Bible,1984). You feel robbed of yourself identity, mind, body, and spirit. You can never get grounded or centered.
You have no roots, no passion, no emotions, and no reason for being anywhere. You are no longer connected to spirit.
Fear looms over you keeping you frozen in time. In order to overcome the fear and the depression and the anger and the cycle generated by the fear, you need to learn how to not let fear find you. Fear will steal your joy and give you the key to Hell on earth. Fear creates a biochemical reaction that causes an electrocircuitry imbalance that causes chronic negative reacting and cell memory associated with fear. If fear can produce a negative reaction, then love can produce a positive reaction and reverse the effects of fear. Everything we choose is either love or fear based. Love and fear cannot exist within the same reaction. We choose how we react. We need to learn that neither choice is good or bad, it just is. We are not here to judge others or ourselves.
There is a light that’s faraway just beyond my reach.
As I awake to each new day, rain, snow, or sun;
It is my choice to release my light within and as my
Light shines so does the Light of God.
And these Lights meet and strength is gained for me
To be stronger and brighter than I could ever hope to be.
His wish is happiness for every choice made and we choose
how to act.
So If our choice is to hide our light because our day looks bleak,
There is no light to find God’s light and our strength withers
from within.
The path of life is a shared event and successful only by how
we choose to shine.
It is our choice and God waits, which effort do you make?
skye2008
When we choose love, we are open to our environment and we communicate with self and others and a balance of all situations occurs.
Your body, mind and spirit are in a harmonious balanced state. Energy is not lost or gained. We are opened to a steady flow of energy in our body, mind and spirit. The lesson we are each here to learn this lifetime is love and forgiveness for ourselves and all humanity. We do this by learning that we are all connected to the Light (God) bringing love and energy into ourselves and radiating to all. Being one with the Light is the only way healing can begin and energy can flow and acceptance can begin. Acceptance is a time for preparing for change, getting to know you better and meet yourself in a new light. You feel your true needs and seek nurturance in ways you have not before(Brennan,1993).
The hope of you is in the present and being in each moment.
The core of self to radiate healing from within out.
A new you to BE; bringing the best this life can offer.
Moving forward with each step and knowing we can create our future.
Thanking the Universe each day with graditude and love in past
tense for Healing that has occurred.
This is the hope we all poccess if we choose to use.
Knowing it is our thoughts welling up from our truest self
that heals and gives us the best of life.
skye2008
Learning just to BE and enjoying each moment and staying in a moment of Love with everyone you meet and interact with all bring you the most joy in life and peace to your spirit. This joy and peace will bring acceptance of whichever healing path is chosen . Healing may not always mean that the body is going to be healed. Healing may mean healing for the spirit soul and release of the soul from a frail body that no longer supports a meaningful life. Life lessons have been learned and your time to transition to a higher plane may be now. Acceptance brings your connection to God and the radiation of his Light through you to all around and many blessings bestowed.
The Passage to Heaven
As you walk through the mist of fog
That lies just below the mountain peak–follow
your heart and you will be guided through to the next
clearing and the next healing.
The road ahead is clear as the sunshine reflects off the
mountain peak–engulfing you in love and warmth,
and Light.
It is a continual pattern that urges you on with its familiarity.
The knowing ever present that you will soon merge with your
true self, soul and divinity that grows within you.
You will then add with the All to bring the love, warmth, and light
to those who follow–know those who follow will be cradled in
the warmth of God’s arms.
skye2005
Mar
20
2009
Each day starts as the day before.
Will I die today?
The answer as always the same.
No.
As I start the day to feed, bathe, and dress him,
My own pain creeps up the scale.
I look at his paleness and note the wasting muscles
And see him wither more each day.
Confusion ever growing and hallucinations to match.
I’m told that I can’t keep him home
And for a nursing home he’s bound.
I made a promise and a vow;
In sickness and in health.
I must say a prayer of thanks for the pain
And exhaustion I feel.
It is the pain that keeps me home
So I can care for him.
A daily ritual has begun at five o’clock each day.
The imaginary people come to visit
And sit upon the our couch.
He talks for hours before he tires
And wishes them to go.
So he raises his voice to let them know
That he hallucinates.
Slowly he rises, his legs so weak
And he says he is glad they are gone.
His memory of the home we have
Fades a little each day.
He can’t remember where we sleep
And must ask to find the bathroom.
For fifteen years he has walked this hall
But he has forgot.
I have to wonder what he sees in walls
That have not moved and doors that have not changed.
I love him so and he loves me when his memory points me out.
I answer to so many names so not to con fuse him more.
Just find the flow and ride; his smile will
Carry us on journeys here and far away.
We never have to leave the house. Think how much money we save.
skye2008
Mar
20
2009
Each day starts as the day before.
Will I die today?
The answer as always the same.
No.
As I start the day to feed, bathe and dress him,
my own pain creeps up the scale.
I look at his paleness and note the wasting muscles
And see him whither more each day.
Confusion ever growing and hallucinations to match.
I’m told that I can’t keep him at home
And for a nursing home he is bound.
I made a promise and a vow;
In sickness and in health.
I must say a prayer of thanks for the pain
And the exhaustion I feel.
It is the pain that keeps me home so I can care for him.
A daily ritual has begun at five o’clock each day.
The imaginary people come to visit and sit upon our couch.
He talks for hours before he tires and wishes them to go.
So he raises his voice to let them know that he hallucinates.
Slowly he rises, his legs so weak and he says that he is glad they are gone.
His memory of the home we have fades a little every day.
He can’t rememer where we sleep and must ask to find the bathroom.
For fifteen years he has walked this hall but he has forgot.
I have to wonder what he sees walls that have not move and doors
That have not changed.
I love him so and he loves me when his memory points me out I answer to so many names so not to confuse him more.
Just find the flow and ride; his smile will carry us on journeys here
And faraway.
We never have to leave the house. Think how much energy that we save.
skye08
Jan
31
2009
The view from my Mom’s back porch.
My Mom died in her sleep Sunday. It was a shock. My daughter and her husband found her lying in the bed Sunday afternoon. I hate that my daughter had to find her grandma. We had her Celebration of Life service on Tuesday. It was really nice.
She like to sew until she had to have cataract surgery and she had glaucoma. She always watched a ballgame everyday no matter who played. She was a Chicago Cubs fan and an Atlanta Braves fan and a University of TN fan. She had a Braves hatchet that she used with the games. All of her favorite things were included in the Celebration service.
She had several friends tell of stories about her. My daughter paid a wonderful tribute to her Grandma and her brother helped her to read it. It was a very sweet moment.
I wrote a poem for her that I have posted as Turn On The Radio. She always had the radio playing in every room and the carport. She like Patsy Cline and Nat King Cole and we played both at her service.
My Mom was my best friend, my support and my rock. I miss her physical presence greatly but her spirit surrounds me.
Jan
31
2009
You eyes are the window to your soul.
But your eyes that once sparkled with the brilliance
of a diamond as they conveyed your connection
to the All are but a vacant stare.
Eyes that could surround with all the love and protection
of the Universe and Connect to the deepest part of my soul
and convey words of unspoken thoughts of the heart are empty.
The emptiness of your eyes begins the emptiness of our hearts.
For as your mind fills with the fear of your death, your soul
must rise to the Love that waits above.
For Love and fear cannot be within the same existence and as
you fear, your soul departs and there is left a vacant stare.
The brilliance faded and with it the memory of our love and
trust and safety that our universal connection brings to all this
on this earthly plane.
I must learn to rise above that vacant stare of fear and
surround you with the love and trust and safety of the All
to which we are connected.
I must never forget my path of Love that I must walk each day.
Following my soul’s purpose to guide us both to Love above
and fill your eyes with the brilliance of love and forgiveness
in that great beyond.
skye2008
